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Apple iPad: DOA?

Thursday, 28 January 2010 — by Wayne Smallman

I for one won’t be buying an Apple iPad once it’s released in a months’ time. I don’t see enough compelling reasons to buy such a “lame” product. I watched with keen interest the Apple iPad video and identified a long, long list of essential features that are simply not there…

Apple iPad

For example, the screen is far too small to use in a conference environment, presenting to 200 delegates — which, let’s face it, is the least we could ask for. There isn’t even a version of Microsoft Office, so all hope of a thrilling Powerpoint presentation is gone.

In one fell swoop, Apple eschew the entire business presentation market, abandoning sales executives and marketing managers alike.

Then there’s the lack of military-grade GPS technology, as well as a toughened transparent aluminum case, which makes using the iPad in the upper echelons of elite, secretive government foreign intelligence agencies impossible.

Clearly this will hit the counter terrorism efforts the hardest, leaving them with little alternative but to look to competing tablet device manufacturers, those that offer retinal and finger print scanning.

Frankly, I’m appalled by the complete absence of “hard light” holographic visualization technology, I’m personally devastated at not being able to watch a slide show of the photos I took of my kids playing with Susie, our pet poodle, in tactile holography mode, allowing the kids to pet a holographic Susie, as she was really there — which she is most of the time anyway, but that’s not the point.

Designers will find little cheer when they discover that the iPhone doesn’t support Adobe Creative Suite 4. Instead, they will have to make do with Photoshop Mobile and it’s crude collection of photo editing options.

It’s still not possible to use Apple’s iPhone as a remote control for the Hughes M230 Chain Gun 30mm, single-barrel automatic cannon. And now all hope of the iPad supporting this of most basic of military field operational needs is gone, also. The confidence of our armed services will sink to a new low. They will have to make do with playing Need For Speed Shift instead.

If you’re a digital archivist, forget about iPad. With a maximum storage size of just 64 gigabytes, no upgrade path and no mass storage support, any thoughts you had of support for multi-patabyte document management systems is just a dream.

What the experts say

“We were really hoping the iPad offered support for stereo-lithographic 3d modeling, but I guess that’s something [Apple] will be work on? It’s a shame, though.” Forensic facial reconstruction expert, working for the Miami-Dade police department in Florida, USA.

“When I realized Apple had forgot to include full PVR support, as well as options for satellite, cable and terrestrial TV, I just laughed. Honestly, these are just basics, surely?” Home entertainment columnist writing for a popular consumer technology magazine in France.

“As far as I’m aware, there’s no waterproofing, certainly not sufficient for underwater use. As an oil rig engineer and experienced diver, support for deep sea diving is a minimum.” Senior dive team member, working for British Petroleum.

It’s hard to put into words how badly Apple have managed the development of the iPad, or how the market will react to such a clearly weak, insufficiently equipped and already out-of-date product that fails to meet the simple needs of so many different industries and groups of people.

Only time will tell whether Apple have made the right choice…

BTW: just in case you read this and thought I was being serious, well I’m not — this is a follow-on from my iPhone article, way back when. So no angry misspelled verbiage in the comments, please!

Thursday, 28 January 2010 → 13 Comments

Categories → Business, Entertainment, Rants & Raves, Technology

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uberVU - social comments → Thursday, 28 January 2010 @ 14:30 BDT

Social comments and analytics for this post…

This post was mentioned on Twitter by ionlinebuzz: RT @Octane: Apple iPad: DOA? ( http://ow.ly/11kBr ), a parody of tech’ snobbishness gone mad. #apple #ipad #parody…

Heidi Cool → Thursday, 28 January 2010 @ 22:04 BDT

Well said Wayne!
The product is clearly flawed. At a minimum I expected pressure sensitive on-screen drawing capabilities for 3-D rendering and the inclusion of fully operational semantic Web search into the iPad’s version of Safari. Naturally I had also hoped that the iPad would also function as a personal transportation device, using advanced hover technology, rather than the primitive wheels used by systems like the Segway. I understood that we might need to wait until version 2 for that feature, but you’d have thought it would at least be able to solve the current economic crisis and prevent forest fires. In the future one would hope that Jobs and friends would do a bit more market research to ensure that all needs would be met.

On a more serious note it’s amusing to watch how people either want one as soon as possible or are intent on mocking drawbacks such as lack of multi-tasking. Apple identified a need, and from what I’ve seen they filled it. We don’t all have the same needs so it’s not the device for everyone, but that’s true of almost all products. When this much hype is involved the result gets held to a much higher standard.

David → Friday, 29 January 2010 @ 0:28 BDT

I’ve said it before - it will never replace the bathroom scales.

Sharon → Tuesday, 2 February 2010 @ 15:49 BDT

Frankly, it’s shameful. The degree to which so many important uses for Apple’s newest product have become unattainable due to their lack of foresight and the sheer inability to meet even the most basic demands of today’s computing standards. The thing is a pile of crap!

Christopher → Sunday, 7 February 2010 @ 12:01 BDT

I am not sure that the iPad will take off, and I don’t think it will supersede the iPhone.

Great informative article, thanks :)

Anon. → Sunday, 7 February 2010 @ 20:10 BDT

Can’t see the point of this. If you want an iPhone, buy an iPhone and if you want a laptop, by a laptop/netbook. This thing seems to be the worst of both worlds - too big to be a phone, and too limited to be a laptop. That said, I imagine they’ll still sell millions, but I for one won’t be buying one!

Joey → Monday, 8 February 2010 @ 2:19 BDT

“At a minimum I expected pressure sensitive on-screen drawing capabilities for 3-D rendering.”

I know this is all sarcastic and poking fun at those who say the thing is a worthless pile of money-pit, but actually, if you watned a tablet with pressure sensitivce on-screen drawing for 3D rendering, um, you can actually buy three different products: if you want a PC, the HP TM2 tablet PC or HP Slate, if you want a mac, there is something called the Modbook which is actually a professionally modified macbook, married with a wacom in tablet form.

just saying that these things exist, and there is demand for them. Just saying.

Philip → Wednesday, 10 February 2010 @ 12:41 BDT

I’m not impressed by the iPad at all. I dont think that the iPad will be a big hit. Do you like it really?

Patrick Schwarz → Thursday, 11 February 2010 @ 14:22 BDT

The apple iPad is such a good idea like the iPhone. Fantastic products!

Jakk → Monday, 15 February 2010 @ 16:38 BDT

I wouldn’t buy a tablet - frankly, it seems to be not worth the money. But, if somebody was to offer me one for free, then I would happily snap it up. It seems the main problem people seem to have about Apple is the pricing, its all I ever hear :/.

I’ll be waiting out for the GTablet if I was to ever buy a tablet, it’ll be Google OS too so open source for the masses :).

Thanks :)

Andi B. → Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 14:49 BDT

I think I won’t buy the iPad either. It’s more a lifestyle product than a computer. I think it will take a few years until Apple will bring out an iPad that’s really useful. It’s just the same thing with the iPhone, it’s surely not the best mobile phone you can get, but many people want to have it just because it’s cool and trendy.

Eric → Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 5:23 BDT

A giant iPhone that doesn’t make calls? Whose idea was that?

CNG Cylinders → Saturday, 27 March 2010 @ 6:03 BDT

Apple product are clearly very good. I expected pressure sensitive on-screen drawing capabilities for 3-D rendering and the inclusion of fully operational semantic Web search into the iPad’s version of Safari. Naturally I also hoped that the iPad would also function as a personal transportation device, which will help users transfer data.

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