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Social Networking and blogging for self-masturbatory egomaniacs — a guide

Monday, 19 May 2008 — by

Social Networking and blogging is about you, right? Those other guys? They’re just so many votes and eyes that help you build one more rung on your Social Networking ladder to success. Here’s a complete guide to succeeding at all costs, usually at the expense of others…

The Basics

It is essential that you cross-post between different Social Networking services like Pownce and Twitter. I would recommend you totally ignore any replies to any of the messages you post to those services.

Taking into account the vagaries of social ‘Netiquette and the rules & customs of those services is time consuming and of little value, so just ignore them. Post your stuff anyway.

If people chose to “unfriend” or block you, or you get banned, you’re encouraged to start a new account as soon as is humanly possible.

You might want to start up multiple accounts on the same websites, with each account / profile “friending” each other, creating your own “circle jerk” to give more momentum to your stuff.

It’s unwise to reveal anything too specific about yourself. Also, try not to engage with people directly. On those rare occasions you do need to converse with someone, draft up a series of scripted responses, which will save time and maximize your self-promotional efforts.

If you must use your real name, make sure it’s along the lines of: John “[insert acronym / title here…] expert / guru / genius” Smith. Don’t feel under any pressure to validate your claim to any speciality.

When choosing an avatar, it’s essential you use a photo of an attractive woman, preferably naked, if permissible. A close-up of a large pair of breasts often works wonders, too. Or use a stock photograph of someone more attractive than yourself.

Also, when completing your account / profile, leave out age, gender and location, unless you’re pitching at single white males, in which case, list yourself as a single white female, aged 23, bisexual / sexually unfulfilled lesbian blonde with athletic figure.

Blogging

For people like yourself, there are only two kinds of blog:

  1. MFA (Made For AdSense), comprised mostly if not entirely of scraped content;
  2. an entirely depersonalized, self-promotional venue for you, stuff about you and your stuff only;

Should anyone comment, either ignore them or use the opportunity to “big up” yourself. You are the expert, so it is vital that you make it clear no one else is fit to even breath the same air as you. Failing that, turn commenting off.

When writing articles, write about yourself at all times. Talk about yourself as if you’re the only expert in your field. Proof reading is not a requirement.

For those into MFA, it is advised you place the biggest Google AdSense block there is right at the beginning of your articles.

If there’s anyone who annoys you, or you’re envious of, name & flame ‘em! After all, if raising your profile means diminishing the standing of someone else, so what?

Factual accuracy isn’t a priority. In fact (if you’ll pardon the pun), being totally wrong might even irk someone so much that they flame you, sharing the link to your article with friends, who will also flame you. Of course, ignore them, but be sure to then promote your article in 3rd person, to make the most of the attention you’re getting: “Hey, is this guy nuts or what?! [URL to own article here…]”

Do not waste link equity on other people. Don’t even name other people unless you’re sure naming them will help you in some way.

Avoid paying for hosting. Make use of the hosted WordPress service instead. Try to “hot-link” to other people’s images as much as possible.

Self Promotion

Join every Social Media website there is, such as Digg, StumbleUpon, Reddit.

Join every Social Networking services there are, such as StumbleUpon, Pownce, Twitter.

Spend some time looking for all of the top users and add them as friends. if they’re blocking direct messaging, then find them somewhere else and add them as a friend there, too.

If someone adds you as friend, immediately begin the process of sending them links to your content. Ideally, at least 5 times a day.

Don’t pay any real attention to what they’re into, or what topics those people prefer. Such things take time and you’re not here to make friends, remember? This is about you, you, you! Send them messages to all of the stuff as often as you can.

If you must name someone important, then do so in a way that’s so effusively ingratiating, their ego is so engorged with your fake praise, they feel strangely obliged to link back to you.

Some people will try to ignore you. So post something along the lines of: “Hey guys! Look what I just found — [URL to own article here…]” Think along the lines of the Rickroll.

Do all these things and you’re sure to be on the road to Social Networking success!

In conclusion

Of course, this is just parody. But we’ve all seen some or all of these treacherous tricks & tactics used to pretty good effect. And we probably know some of the people who still use such ploys, too.

I’ll freely admit, I’ve been guilty of several of these crimes against Social Networking and blogging!

Those that truly stand apart from everyone else and differentiate themselves from the crowd are those with something original to say, and are those that help others.

In the end, you’re only as successful as those people who are happy enough to be around you, and you’re fortunate enough to be in the company of.

Their success is your reward, and a kind of success all of its own…

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Nick James → Monday, 19 May 2008 @ 14:32 BDT

Great article, Wayne. I fear I should say “guilty as charged”, but hopefully I’m not. As regards the avatar, god forbid that Mick Jagger is better looking than me ;)

Andy DeSoto → Monday, 19 May 2008 @ 15:56 BDT

Love it! Since I’m learning a little more about how desperate some people get as I work on building up a little content of my own, these disappointing truths really hit home.

There’s really a need for a need for more blogging about social networking ethics.

Kyle James → Tuesday, 20 May 2008 @ 1:42 BDT

Social Media is all about building relationships! And just like in a real relationship you have to give before you can receive. It’s really is that simple.

Wayne Smallman → Tuesday, 20 May 2008 @ 8:12 BDT

Hi guys! Just spent the last five minutes eating my own words — typos!

Sorry about that everyone. Anyway, I blame Kate. That’s her job! :-D

As alluded to previously on Twitter and Pownce, a few recent encounters sparked the idea for this article, which Kate liked the idea of (for once!) so I thought a “How-To [not!]” was in order…

Cyril → Friday, 23 May 2008 @ 18:00 BDT

Great write-up. I can think of a few sites that need to heed much of this advice. Popularity aside, one of the worst things that can happen in blogging is when one gets at odds with another, hence my latest disclaimer. Just for your amusement Wayne:

Disclaimer

The topics, opinions and comments found on this blog represent the collective observations of individuals considered honest and sincere who intend no ill-will toward any person, parties, bloggers, writers, dogs, cats or mammals of any kind. Furthermore, our views do not intend to malign any race, religion, gender, fan club, cult or individuals with specific medical conditions. We freely acknowledge the indiscriminate, trivial, inconsequential, insignificant and often useless nature of topics and comments herein and make no pretense in presenting such information as fact in any way, shape or form. The contributors of our blog take responsibility for their actions and will not hold responsible the friend, friends of a friend, relatives of a friend, the country of the friend or the entire hemisphere of the friend of someone who may disagree with the premise of our blog.

We will moderate and reject comments deemed hurtful or defamatory. Comments left by any individual anonymous or otherwise are the sole responsibility of that individual and represent their own opinion, not ours. We apologize for our crudely fashioned disclaimer lacking in “corporate-esque” style, and with any luck further content will be free of such style of writing.

Nikki Pilkington → Friday, 23 January 2009 @ 17:58 BDT

Nice one Wayne – I think we’ve all been guilty of a few of those from time to time.

It amazes me when so called “Social Media Gurus” show complete lack of understanding of the etiquette and way to make social media work.

I’ll never understand the people that forget it’s a 2 way street and about building relationships. Then again, I guess I won’t have to, as they won’t be around for long ;)

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